Brothers In Arms
by Draic Kin of the Balance
Summary: ONE-SHOT / AU / Bound by Darkness, Freed by Light 'verse / "It still haunts me to this day, and it's been two months since Bright Falls, where we were entangled in the eternal war between the forces of Light and Dark. Sam and I, we never talk about it. We never talk about what happened in the Dark Place, what we saw and what happened between us."


**Brothers In Arms**

**By Draic Kin of the Balance**

* * *

"_This is the last night you'll spend alone_

_Look me in the eyes so I know you know_

_I'm everywhere you want me to be_

_The last night you'll spend alone_

_I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go_

_I'm everything you need me to be_." –Skillet, _The Last Night _

* * *

I've seen a lot of shit in my life. Dark, brutal, bloody shit that nobody should have to go through. Too many loved ones have died in front of me. Sam is the only family I got left. We've been through a lot together; hell, we're all we got. It wasn't until recently that I realized how I took that for granted, how much I've hurt my brother in ways I never intended to. It still haunts me to this day, and it's been two months since Bright Falls, where we were entangled in the eternal war between the forces of Light and Dark. Sam and I, we never talk about it. We never talk about what happened in the Dark Place, what we saw and what happened between us.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Sam's voice interrupts my reverie, looking up from his notes. I meet his eyes. Kevin's gone off the grid, and we're running out of leads. We need to find out the third trial and end this for good. The only thing keeping me from calling quits on this entire thing is Sam's health. Ever since Bright Falls – when Scratch killed him and Thomas Zane brought him back – his sickness from the trials has subsided, or the symptoms have at least been delayed. I don't believe in miracles or any of that crap, but Zane's healing is the one thing keeping my brother alive. I can remember – all too vividly – how the Dark Presence ripped him away from me before turning to me. I never want to lose him again. I can't. By any means, we shouldn't even be alive right now.

_The sooner we finish this, the sooner you'll recover from all this. _"It's nothing, Sam," I say quickly. Whatever it is Sam wants to talk about, I don't want to talk about it. Not now. It's the last thing I want to do. We have bigger fish to fry, more important matters to take care of.

"Dean," Sam begins. "We –" I rise from my chair and begin to walk away. I can't do this. I've kept this hidden and buried deep down inside me, and I have no intentions of rediscovering it. Sam grabs me by the arm, and I whirl on him.

"You want to talk about it?" I snap. "Fine. Let's talk. You wanna know what I saw in the Dark Place?" My rage boils over, and I feel as if a huge weight is being lifted off my chest. Every word I've bottled up, everything I've needed to say, comes pouring out of me. I feel I can finally breathe again. "I saw you, Sam! I saw you die in front of me, time and time again, and I couldn't do anything to stop it!" My voice is rising, but I don't care. "I felt as if I was going to go crazy, Sam. I might as well have."

"How did you even find me?" he asks quietly.

I shook my head. "I…I felt you nearby," I explain. "I don't know how to really explain it, but I felt your presence and I knew you were still alive. What I saw was a hallucination created by the Dark Presence – but it felt real. Too fucking real." I can't help but remember the horror, the despair, the helplessness I felt. I'd thought I'd lost Sam for good, and the Dark Presence was mercilessly preying upon that fear. The despair, it was crippling and now, I can't help but wonder how Alan kept himself together after enduring the mental torment of the Dark Place for a year. I endured Hell for forty years before being taken off the rack – I know a thing or two about torture – but there was something about the Dark Place that's shaken me to the core. "Sammy, when we got out, you were pretty shaken up," I say. "What the hell did you see down there?"

Sam tears his eyes away from me and turns his back to me. "You," he answers. "I saw you and Ruby."

"Ruby?"

He nods, and continues. "We were in St. Mary's Convent, the very place where I freed Lucifer. Ruby, she went on and on about how much I've screwed up and let you down. 'You chose me – a demon – over your own brother,' she said to me. 'Your own flesh and blood brother. Oh, you were in way over your head, Sammy. It started with a night of hot sex, and then it just grew into something more. I gave you my blood, and holy hell, you were worse than a fucking meth addict! I heard the entire fight between you and your brother in the honeymoon suite. Dean detests you, Sam. He doesn't love you, not anymore. He wants to fucking hunt you down like all the monsters you two have killed and kill you. You're a monster, Sammy.'"

"Sam…" Tears are streaming from his eyes, and I feel tears of my own making my way down my cheeks. _Oh my god. _

"'Fast forward to the year after you swan dived into Hell. You lost your soul, and neglected to tell Dean. You let him become a vampire. You didn't give a single fuck about him, now did you? That was why when the faeries abducted him, you spent the entire time fucking some slut instead of searching for him. I've never met such a poor piece of shit in my lifetime. Hell, after he went to Purgatory after killing Dick, what did you do? You shacked up with some lowlife bitch and spent the entire year fucking when your brother was fighting for his life, and Kevin was in danger. Kevin was your responsibility, remember?'" My brother pauses to wipe at his relentless tears. "And then, you – or what I thought was you – showed up. You said that I break everything I touch, and that Mom – not just Mom, but everyone we care about – is dead because of me. The only reason you didn't kill me when Mom first gave me to you was that you didn't have the guts to kill a baby. I was going to let you kill me. I deserved it. You and Ruby bound and gagged me; you were beginning to beat me to death until…"

"…Until I reached you," I finish. "Sammy…why didn't you tell me?"

"I couldn't tell you, Dean," Sam says tearfully. "I didn't know _how_ to tell you. For so long, I thought you hated me because I didn't search for you. For so long, I thought I was better off dead. For so long I –"

I envelop him in my arms as he sobs into my shoulder. I weave my hand through his hair, keeping him close to me. "Shhh, shhh. Sammy, it's okay," I murmur. "It's okay. I am so sorry." My voice breaks, and I kiss his temple, both in an attempt to conceal my tears and soothe him.

"I thought I could make you proud if I went to Cauldron Lake and ended it all," he sobs.

"Sammy, you are my baby brother," I say. "I meant what I said down there in the Dark Place. You are my baby brother, and _I love you._ There is nothing I would ever put in front of you. _Nothing._" He nods, and I hold him closer to me, murmuring words of comfort to him as he cries. It kills me, knowing I've caused him so much pain. I'd give anything to take it all back, but I can't.


End file.
